An old man in Tulsa, cut from George Zimmerman's mold, a deputy of some kind, draws his pistol and kills a fleeing black man.  A simple mistake.  You see, he was reaching for his taser.  This is the stuff that gives old folks a bad name.

 

It's true, we elderly need strong interests so we can hang onto what vitality we have left.  Walking is good.  Walking about looking for trouble?  Not so good.  For sure, walking on a treadmill, walking the dog, walking down the slow lane, are not as exiting as stalking might-be criminals.  But it's better for your health and of those around you.

 

For the shoot-from-the-hip geezer, ordinary target shooting probably gets pretty boring, and hunting season doesn't last that long.   But if he has time to kill, wouldn't it be better if he stalked and killed people on a cybergame?  Playing avenger in real life is dangerous and tricky.

 

An enterprising soul might set up a camp where these old folks bent on packing and shooting could come for a few days, stalk robot criminals night and day.  A kind of super paintball with rubber bullets and real tasers.  Might keep a few of them off the street.  The government could subsidize such a program under mental health.

 

Of course, opposition would be strong.  The NRA wants real guns and bullets for every American over the age of five.  But it's beginning to look like driving.  Comes a time when your license to drive permanently expires.  Maybe the same with guns? 

I've left my most-of-the-time faithful Windows XP behind and and taken up with a younger, sophisticated Mac.  So elegant!  Is this the way some old codger feels when he lands a trophy wife?  She can give him all the things he wants, but is he up to it?  [In my case, an old biddy with a boy toy.]

 

Mac has brains as well as beauty but I fear we are intellectually mismatched.  Mac is fast and I'm blooming slow, but hoping to catch up.  Does use-it-or-lose-it apply to our relationship?  Can too much sleep be harmful?  Will the slow lane lead to voluntary crash?  I know the MacIntoshes are a pretty sturdy lot, but how much lethargy can they take?  Can they demand to be recalled?

 

I have some remorse about dumping PC. We knew each other so well.  Thirteen years cannot be erased with the touch of the Delete button.  PC may be on the shelf [actually in a box in the back of a pick-up truck] but he knows all my secrets.  Would gladly spill the hard drive if the right person came along.

 

What's an ignorant old lady to do?  Drown him in the bathtub, throw him in the lake?  Can't bear to hook him up again.  I'll keep you posted.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

   

I'm trying to get a job at FFN (Fox Faux News), you know, writing imaginary theories to sputter, spin and shout.  For instance:  The unfortunate Andreas Lubitz and even more unfortunate passengers tragedy.  Luftansa is patching together some cockamamie story about Lubitz's sad love liffe, bad eyesight and mental depression.

 

To that, I say "Rubbish."  Folks with half a brain  (most FFN personnel  qualify) know this must be an act of terror.  Undoubtedly, a ring of international pilots, men secretly serving radical Islam, has been organized.  My sources believe the Malaysia pilot who skillfully dumped his craft (unlikely to be found in my lifetime) in deepest depths of the Indian Ocean and the pilot of the Nederlands flight supposedly shot down were in cahoots with Lubitz.  Furthermore, they are part of a terrorist group, IPSI, International Pilots Suiciding for "the I-word".

 

Unfortunately, we can expect more of these dastardly acts until Obama is out of officeTed Cruz, or some of his brethern, will show IPSI a thing or two after they abolish the IRS and Obamacare.  They're gonna use the funds, instead, to pass out free Ouzis.  That's right.  An ouzi in every home!  Scare the bejeesus out of IPSI.  Let 'em know we're gonna track 'em down! 

 

How'm I doing so far?  Do you think FFN will buy it?  My sources?  Since when is that necessary to FFN?  My spin and imagination are good as the next guy's.  In just occurred to me that "Breaking News" at Fox Faux News is a lot like breaking wind.  I'm pretty good at that, too. 

I remember the day when skinny, I mean bare-bone-clothes-hanger-knobby-knees skinny, was cause for pity, if not alarm. "

 

"My God, she's underweight!  Have her drink a malt a day and eat lots of ice cream." 

 

Okay, it's true, lived most of my life in another century.  But even today,  folks pity thin, bony, underfed animals, report their owners to animal protection and just hope they rot in hell.

 

Interestingly enough, modern ironing board bodies are often embellished with grapefruit-sized implants.  (Just can't have it both ways.)  Now that Beyonce and others have made the butt fashionable, emphasis has shifted.  All manner of padded undies and jeans flood the market and I suspect silicone is now being injected where fat was once lipo-suctitoned.  Boobs, lips, now hips.   Wouldn't eating solve some of the dilemma?

 

What about hair or lack thereof?  Bald has become beautiul for guys, but alas, only for brave women and Lesbians.  Bald, shaved heads, once the badge of neo Nazis and prison inmates, are in.  Long haired men are mostly considered hippies; long haired women, ooh la la!  But, you know, I think it's gone too far.  

 

Many beautiful women and their less fortunate sisters, look pretty much like those ladies who lurk on street corners and in dark doorways.  Earrings long as their hair, sprayed on spandex skirts, necklines removing all mystery, stillito heels, giant wedgies that seem too heavy to lift and make for a walk funny.  (I once fell off a pair of wedgies, landed in the gutter.  Not accosted or anything, just prancing along on a beautiful spring day when I had an ankle malfunction.  Got off with a very red face.)

 

Facial hair, the bane of women and formerly removed daily from the faces of men (little boys couldn't wait to find a whisker), now routinely left untouched for a few days to give the rugged hobo look.  Perhaps bathing will go out of style, also.  All I can think is "My God! How scratchy is that!"   Hmmm.....perhaps shaving day is keyed to, shall we say, biological urges? 

 

Hey, life sure enough needs diversity to be interesting and to keep the ain't-it-awful folks happy.  But I love the irony:  Fashion trends mimicking thugs, hobos, shady ladies.  On the other hand, look at those gorgeous Afro-American trendsetters, mostly not starved. 

 

As for me, I'm not very trendy, need no padding anywhere, wear ordinary jeans and silver clip on earrings.  Once loved long ones, but I hate that stretched one-inch ear hole that comes from being alive a long time.   Wouldn't do cleavage if I had it.  The plastic surgeon is not one of my doctors.  I have a lot of fun watching in the slow lane!

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

          

Whoa!  Local early morning TV ad that's a real eye opener.  March Madness coming up, all you basketball fans.  That's a fact.  But listen to this.  Have you heard of "Vasectomy Madness?"  Is it psychosis brought on by snip-snip?   Maybe snip-snip remorse?   A  grinning urologists invites all comers (pun intended) for free consultation.  Just for coming in you'll get a coupon for.........whoppee.......free pizza!  (Your worries about "coming in" will be over.) 

 

Strange time to air Dr. Redneck's ad, don't you think?  Early morning and the kiddies still home.  "Mommie, what's a mad vasectomky?"  "Ask your father."

 

Hmmm, they could use it in the schools as intro to Sex Ed.  Oh, yeah, we don't do that in the slow lane.  Pity.  I always found the subject one of the easiest to teach.  Kids love it.