In the Slow Lane

Dumber Than a Turnip!

Feeling myself calm and relaxed, looked for laughs on mornng TV.  I was not disappointed.  A tad of outrage, though, at the blurb for Dr. Phil's continuing coverage of one of Cleveland's captive women.  Phil, listen to me boy!  You, mister, are exploiting this woman!  As my daddy used to say, "Somethings are plain as day to anybody smarter than a turnip!"

 

A Missouri dentist staged a "Halloween Candy Buy Back."  Don't know if he paid par for the sweets, but his goal for the sweets, ship them to troops overseas.  Hmmmm.  My first thought:  These guys are just kids themselves.  Do they need extra sugar?  Haven't heard the results but I'm guessing it did not catch on.  Everybody knows Halloween candy is sacred, right up there with firearms.

 

An arsonist was aprehended after confessing to burning a few old buildings.  Don't know if he was a pro (old buildings and failing businesses burn pretty often in the slow lane).  He sure looked the part.  Flames, I kid you not, tattooed all over his face.  Made Mike Tyson's facial art look conservative.

 

Some expert, a married woman with four kids, gave advice on how to cut down on household expenses.  She and her husband, realtors hard hit by the housing bubble, were able to cut household expenses from $2000 a month to $160.  Are you ready?  

 

First make sure fresh veggies nerver go to waste in the fridge.  What you do is get this little gadget, stick it on the pack and it lets you know when the pack's in the danger zone.  Isn't it just as easy to read the "Use By Date" on the pack and use it by_____?  

 

Moving right along.  Millions of dollars are lost because people can't return buying mistakes.  Lost receipts, you know.  You're stuck with that 10-foot faux leopard scarf that makes you look fat.  Not to worry.  There's a special app for taking pictures of and filing your receipts.  Jamming them in my bag and then stuffing in the bill box has always worked great for me.

 

Lets, not forget the billions, yes, billions of dollars lying about the house in loose change.  Make it a habit to gather and save all the chicken feed.  At our house, we have a special take on this:  I don't cook breakfast; he uses the loose change for McWhatevers.

 

The last suggestion from Mrs. Reduce-Your-Household-Expense was:  Always redeem your gift cards.  Millions of dollars are wasted this way.  What!  I don't know about you, but a gift card spends pretty fast in the slow lane.

 

In summary, I'm laughing out loud at the expert advice.  As Dr. Phil would say:   Get real, lady.  I'm not dumber than a turnip!   Is Mrs. Expert trapped in the housing bubble?  Does she know what a household expense is?  Or is she really dumber than..... you know.

 

     

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